Behind the Scenes: A year in unwritten articles
Posted by Gerard at 19:30 on 10 Feb 2012
Due to a highly selective editing process, we can't simply publish everything that our mind brains churn out here at >. Over the course of a year there are hundreds, if not thousands, of articles that go unread by you, our loyal followers. Terrifying journeys into desperate and confusing places that we deem unfit for public consumption.
Alongside these secret documents sealed away in our vault underneath Al's bed, the floor is littered with the aborted forms of a hundred unwritten articles. Started but never finished, abandoned without ever being nurtured or reared by loving parents. They cry out on dark nights, ghostly forms casting no shadows.
Here, laid before you, like curios in a travelling show, are the opening gambits that lead nowhere. Think of it as a museum of the damned, dusty samples squatting under dimly lit glass cases as you shuffle from display to display in the dank silence.
A year with Pandemic 2
I've got a parasite living in my brain. Join me as I gleefully trot around the globe trying to spread it to as many people as possible, before the vomiting and weeping sores kick in. Hey that's not leprosy! Why are you running away? It was only a metaphor for isolation in the digital aaaaaaaage
2012 in review
We've found 2012's colostomy bag and torn it open. Come with us as we inspect and devour its contents, circling down the drain. Swirling, swirling, did you catch a glimpse of that? No, no, it can't be! Join us as we flit through the dimensions of space and time and bring you all the highlights from next year. Just how much robot porn will there be?
Cheap & Used: Heavy Rain
Watch a thing, make a choice, do a movement. Can you imagine anything worse than a game filled not only with pointless choices and dour, hateful characters, but also horrible awful quick time events THAT NEVER END? Press square to slit your wrists!
Peanut butter engorgement: Mirror's Edge
Hey hi hello welcome to this new feature where I try and play a computer game while also devouring thousands and thousands of jars of peanut butter. I'm just going to dig it out with my hand, no spoons or anything. No videos or anything, I'm just going to describe it one handful at a time. If all I do is eat peanut butter, then throw up, can I just eat it again? How long will a controller continue to function if you submerge it in a pale, nutty paste? All of life's questions finally answered
Mystic Al's crystal butt
You know that show Merlin, about the dude and his shrew of a wife? And they live in that house with their rat children and eat rubbish right out of the bin? This is that, but about GAMES, and also Al wears a dress or a robe and might lift up his skirts if you pay enough. And also something about magic tricks and predicting your fortune using the size of your hand and how crooked your eyes are. With his butt
The great sitting revelation
Oh, we've caught a glimpse of it before - a slimy ankle disappearing around the corner of a fast-moving forum, something like a tentacle filled with too many bones squirming away under a pile of user comments - but here, now, we rip this monster's stealthy cape back once and for all. Behold, in all her festering glory - the secret, unreported desire in the heart of every gamer. The need to be seated, to force our art back into tiny mirrors reflecting only our own reality.
What if: instead of games, sloths
Hey I'm not gonna mess around with you here. This article is nothing but pictures and videos of sloths, sometimes wearing clothes, sometimes in a car. One is driving a tractor. Also there's a picture competition where we drew our dreams about sloths in paint and the results are terrifying and arousing and all the other emotions too
Rethinking: The robot problem
Reams and reams of robot erotica, all compiled by a computer and condensed into a single, wonderful story. "His servos whined in pleasure as the charge built up across the void. The anticipation, the culmination of a thousand seconds of slow, arcing foreplay. Her display scattered digits frantically across its luminous surface, dappling the cloud of particles with burst of waveforms which were beautiful to him. Their manipulators extended, slowly, slowly, through the putrefaction and the slush of the organic soup in which they had gleefully cavorted...
Alpha Protocol: An existential examination of post-androgyny themes in a gaming phase-space
The crux of critical and theoretic discourse on the thematic dichotomy between, on the one hand a chaotic distribution of interactions within and without the dimensions of the gaming 'phase-space' (Bryson et al, 1993), and on the other a relatively normal distribution of active engagements during the player/interface interaction, has shifted within the last decade, raising questions about the agency of the operator and the designer within the sphere of gaming as a post-modern pastime. In brief, I will pose the question: Can games really be alive, and what would their butts be like if they were, in the digital age?
Rewriting the past: Kane & Lynch 2
Games are like a wife, or a husband if you're into that sort of thing, or a bowl or maybe a car: you can never be truly satisfied because there will always be an imperfection somewhere. Each day is filled with the anguish - the never ending anguish - of unfulfilled wishes. What if they'd taken the shitty alien levels out of Half Life? What if they had included candid poses of Misty in a bikini on the beach in Pokemon Snap? What if there had been two dogs in Fable 2? We discuss the changes and modifications we would have made to K&L2 to turn it from the perfect game, into the most perfect game that had ever existed. The conclusion? Lose the pixellation
Demo Time: Snarky comment and non-sequitur edition
It's a raft of new demos, but instead of talking about them I will instead mislead you with a confusing and barely-disguised request for acceptance, followed by an unrelated comment about anatomy. And possibly something about us being lonely and sad, and then asking for a hug with a question mark at the end? The whole thing will be a deconstruction of a familiar trope, including the tired and overplayed intro? Bet you didn't see that coming!
That's it folks, ride's over. Try and avoid the raptors and the parasite cloud on your way out. Only kidding, you can't avoid them.