Tweethrough - Mass Effect 3 opening
Posted by Gerard at 16:25 on 20 Mar 2012
So there's something about the Mass Effect ending or whatever, who cares. At we're all about beginnings. Much more exciting. Tutorial sections, lengthy exposition, character creation. All the good stuff.
So stick your ending chat on a USB and plug it directly into your butt. Let's forget it all and go back to the beginning, when things were simple and the possibilities stretched out ahead like so many fetch quests on the galaxy map. Please now care to cast your minds back and re-live those opening moments again with me, with this opening tweethrough.
Ok so first up I need to customise my Shepard. i've made him old. that seems to make sense
shepard looks as if he's had some terrible terrible acid-bath based accident
its like all that space travel has caused incredibly advanced ageing
'you look good shepard'. are you blind?! no i dont. i'm balding and i have a fu man chu moustache. in no way is this good.
Shepard may only technically be 2 years old, but he has aged so rapidly his body is now that of a 205 year old man
this lip suncing is awful. nobody's upper lip moves, like there's been a botox epidemic
sherpard looks a like a giant egg from behind
this haircut may have been a mistake
hey shepard heres your ipad, yeah we all have weird useless hologram arms but its best if we still use these for product placement.
Something is happening... Oh dear god you Reaper bastards. not the moon...not THE MOON. you'll pay for this.
you could cut cheese on those cheekbones
did they outlaw colour in the future? make sure everything is blue and silver ok thats the new law
this haircut makes it seem like OAP wars. like some old dude is the last hope for humanity as long as he has breaks to fill his colostomy bag and eat soup
hey look giant space ships are approaching lets run with our pistols out always that will help
cool ok so the city is being destroyed the first thing you have to learn is how to climb a ladder
so there's no way that this child is real, right?
oh right im going crazy cool. crazy old man saves the world. that's what this should be. crazy old man effect 3: smells like piss
guys guys all these aliens attacked the city everything is exploding and oh lets crawl through vents
shoot a thing! do a jump! space.
so there's hitmarkers now i like that.
i like to think that my shepard is like a baddass george washington. victory through diplomacy and shouting at aliens. just like george washington right
i swear for a race of ancient all powerful beings the reapers have an ass backwards way of destroying a planet.
hey lets like send loads of ships and sometimes some weird enemy grubs that'll work right
for all the cool premise of aliens and attacking earth ive got to say that was a bit rushy and underwhelming. not a patch on EDF. not enough giant ants.
Keep going please, the apology is at the end you don't want to miss that.
although the reaper noise is cool as anything. brrrrrrm.