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Not-new news

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Not-new news
Look at all this news people have left lying out on the side for days and days upon end. Let's just eat around the mouldy bits and we might make it through alright. Or it might kill us all, but that's a risk I'm eager to take.

Bioshock Infinite

I guess the biggest news of last week was the announcement of Bioshock Infinite - it's like Bioshock, but in space! I mean, in the sky! My Bioshock knowledge is pretty limited to be honest - I only played a little of the first game myself and watched my housemate play the rest (awful ending included.) But this seems more like using the Bioshock name as a recognised product in order to get people's attention and hopefully boost sales, rather than something that fits properly in with the series as a whole. You could argue it either way I suppose - there is a city in an odd location, and the lady does have plasmid-esque powers - but my cynicism wins out every time. Not that it matters, I suppose ... the game is the important thing, and I'm looking forward to seeing more from it.

Anyway, here's a trailer! You've already seen it.



Pokémon Black / White

In what's been considered a clever move by some, in the new Pokémon games - for your first run through at least - you will only encounter brand new monsters. I would, naturally, call that stupid rather than clever. The only reason I'd play a Pokémon game these days would be for some kind of nostalgic kick, seeing all the old pokemans gang back together again, catching them all with the patented 'hold down and B' strategy. I kind of lost my way after genders and eggs and thingy-ma-bob training and all that, so with Black / White I'd be totally without an initial hook to get me playing and as such just won't even think of playing it. But never mind, let's stick to the positives - all new Pokémon! That's pretty cool right? Right? Oh ... wait ... I forgot that they all look like this now:


My eyes.

Maybe they should have kept the designs a total secret until the games came out to minimize pointing and laughing. Maybe they shouldn't have got the intern to do them all. Maybe people should stop buying the same fucking game over and over again so Nintendo might actually have some incentive to evolve the series already and make the proper 3D console RPG everyone's been wishing for since before their Pokéballs dropped. But at least there's Smugleaf.


Now that's how you design a Pokémon - based on your utter contempt for the consumer.Also some gameplay footage if you like. Or, to save time, just visualise a Pokémon battle in your head. There you go, that's exactly what the video looks like.


Call of Duty : Black Ops

I found an arseload of info on this game (from here) which may or may not be accurate and may or may not be new. Who am I to judge? "Highlights" include the return of a zombie mode and vehicles from World at War, shotguns taking their rightful place again as primary weapons, improved matchmaking (one would hope so), customisable appearance (very handy in an FPS) and getting rid of nukes (I never even saw one.) Also the Commando and One Man Army perks are disappearing completely, which is alright for some although I hope the no-fall-damage makes an appearance elsewhere.

And, just like that, I've decided I'm probably going to buy it after all. I am the product of my own hate. I'll just play the campaign like the stupid yet exhilarating action movie it is, let Ger hold my shaking hand through the co-op again and see just how much swearing I can do in ten minutes of twitchy, stupid k/d focussed multiplayer nonsense. And that's it. Unless the maps are good. Leave me alone.


Fable III

There's always Fable III news, even if you have to look pretty hard for it. This week, the game's 'senior design director' Josh Atkins explained that you'll have access to every single spell in the game from the outset. All that changes when you level up is that spells become quicker to cast. "Good stuff" said CVG. Awful, awful, awful, said me. Fable III keeps getting shallower and shallower, like a dirty puddle being endlessly vomited into by the Lionhead drunks. One of the biggest reasons people play games - on a mechanical level at least - is just to experience progression, for the feeling of growing more powerful and to see what exactly the next level of abilities might be. Molyneux himself has talked about empowerment before, but he wants to give it all to you right away, so you might feel special and that first fight might feel exciting. But after that, it's exactly the same, only faster.


Deus Ex: Human Revolution

And some Deus Ex gameplay footage at last.


Cue the internet being retarded in 3 ... 2 ... oh, it's already started. For some reason people want the new game to play exactly as the first one did. Having recently indulged myself in a bit of Deus Ex I can say that while it's certainly very good, it's also very obviously a decade-old game. That is, a bit dated and clunky and fiddly. If anyone wants that, then they should play that. The rest of us can enjoy a more modern, streamlined experience. To my eyes the trailer shows pretty much everything you could want from a new Deus Ex game - it's not as though they've turned it into Call of Duty. There is a lot of action, yes, because it's a game trailer and is supposed to be exciting.


Bullshit

This week in other bullshit - Nintendo are making a game phone! Sony are making a game phone! I'm writing words about games companies potentially making game phones! Everyone's having a marvellous time of it. The warm blanket of rumours, lies and speculation that every games website snuggles up inside to keep the chills away.

After Batman Batman Batman: Arkham City was announced, the developers also said there was a super super super secret room in Asylum showing a blueprint of the city itself. Which is a cool little easter egg - here's how to find it yourself.

Motherfucking Ace Combat is coming back to consoles, which is glorious news for me after seeing the series depart to the PSP for reasons unknown for several iterations. Even though I didn't think 5 was that good and I still haven't got 6, Ace Combat 4 is still an utterly brilliant game I'm sure you understand. That's how you do empowerment, Fable III people. It's Mobius One! Up in the sky! We're saved! Hell yes you are. Awesome trailer.

That'll do. You might get some proper content from me soon rather than this bitter regugitation, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Unless you're really going to commit to it.

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Alex
Posted by Alex at 22:29 on 15/08/10
I broke my Ă© key.
I kept meaning to buy AC6 but it kept being quite expensive everywhere, I do not know why.

I will put things in my mouth for money.